Day 4. Counter Intuitive Compliments
 What is one thing your person probably likes about themselves-but perhaps thinks that you don''t? (Their strong opinions, which you see as being uncompromising; their ability to go with the flow, which you see as never being on time; their interest in art, when you wish they would focus on math..) Today, compliment them in the area they think you dislike. ("I saw how you were so willing to stop what you were doing when Kayla needed to talk; I could learn from your flexibility.") Bonus points if you can do it in print (a note, an email.) that they can look back on just to be sure you did indeed say that!
Coach''s Corner: Even in affectionate relationships, people sometimes have defenses up about those areas where they know someone disapproves. They build walls. The research found that when you are kind about those areas where they expect disapproval it melts through those walls. (In other words: Kindness is a superpower! See Chapter 2 for the other superpowers kindness gives you.)
Coach''s Checkup: How are you doing at tackling each of the three Challenge elements each day? Be careful not to think of these daily hints as the Challenge itself. They are simply helpful ideas for doing one of the three elements-saying nothing negative, saying words of praise and doing an act of generosity-each day.
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Have you spoken negatively about your person to someone else in the past? (For example, have you complained about your stepson to your colleagues?) Make a list of the main people you''ve complained to and today (and over the next few weeks), casually bring up with them what you now appreciate about your person. ("Did I tell you that Alan''s son got accepted to his first choice college? He worked really hard this past year to bring his grades up.")
Now that you''ve been focusing on the positives in your person for almost a month, what rises up in your mind as a great character trait, skill, or other distinctive worth celebrating? Consider how you can make others aware of that trait in a way that will be meaningful for your person, then do it. (e.g., Submit your colleague''s name as a contender for "customer service rep of the month;" tell your pastor that your stepdaughter would probably love to sing as part of the worship team if asked; submit your father-in-law''s woodworking designs for a
Everyone makes mistakes, and is touched by unconditional support and encouragement-especially when they don''t deserve it. The next time your person suffers consequences from a mistake (gets a bad grade on a test, embarrassed in a meeting, mentions the criticism they got from their spouse), offer your unconditional support and/or encouragement with no mention of what your person did wrong. ("I''m so sorry you ended up with such a bad grade on that test, honey. In the next week, do you want me to help you email the teacher about any extra work you can do to bring your grade up?")
Email your person a news article or blog they would appreciate (about their favorite politician, sports team or industry area of expertise) or text them a picture of something you know they really like (their favorite car, favorite movie or actor) with a note, "Thought you might enjoy this article / Thought about you when I ran across this today."
Today, don''t argue with your person. Unless it is something life-or-business-altering, defer to them instead. Politely and positively let them know that although you disagree, you''re fine with doing it their way. ("Although my personal preference is to log the students'' science fair projects this other way, I know you''ve thought this through so let''s give your way a try.")
When your person looks in the mirror, or contemplates their life, what do you think he or she worries about? That he will miss his sales targets and the team will be upset? That she isn''t beautiful? That no one likes working with her? Say something today that will encourage your person in that area. ("You''ve been working your tail off, and the team has noticed." "You''ve got the most beautiful hair, honey." "I really enjoyed doing this project with you.")
In the past few weeks or months, what is one thing your person has said or done for you? What type of action was it? An act of service? A word of affirmation? A gift of some kind? An out-of-the-blue kind comment? Or perhaps. simply not criticizing you when they might have otherwise? Whatever it was, it likely indicates that type of action would be meaningful for them. So do that same type of action for them today.
Today, leave a snack of their choice (would that be a healthy food bar or a donut?) on the counter (at work, in the house ...) or wherever you know they will see it, perhaps with a sticky note ("I had an extra one; thought you might like it.")
Tomorrow is the last day of the Challenge, and for nearly a month you''ve been practicing the habit of catching negative words and thoughts and replacing them with positive ones. So today, think about all those positive things you have noticed about your person in the last month that might have slipped your day-to-day notice before you did the Challenge. Create a Top Five Things I Newly Appreciate About My Person list. Make two copies, one for your personal notebook, and one, if appropriate, for your gift journal.
Accountability check:
Think about the mundane things your person does each day to keep the household, neighborhood, schoolwork, or office going: pay the bills, manage the landscaping, track the stacks of school paperwork, or always stay on top of co-worker''s birthdays. Today, acknowledge the time those "unseen" efforts take. And if they impact you in some way, how grateful you are.
Today, look for a way to sincerely praise your person in front of their boss, teacher, parent, or someone whose opinion really matters to them. ("Yeah, Ben''s great at putting things together, isn''t he? He''s actually been building this outdoor fireplace in his backyard that is so cool all the neighbors keep coming over to look at it and...")
Do a task that you know your person dislikes with a cheerful attitude and no expectation. Take your neighbor''s garbage can to the curb on trash pickup day; clean the dirty mugs in the sink even though it is your spouse or colleague''s day to do it; offer to drop the other soccer mom''s son at home, so she doesn''t have to come back to the ball fields in traffic.
What does your person have going on today? If you''re physically in the same place (home, office) leave a sticky note of encouragement about it where they will see it ("Praying for your big discussion today!")-or if you''re physically separated, email, text or call them about it ("OK, thanks for those sales numbers. And by the way, do you still have that new client meeting? Hope that goes well for you.")
Thirty days later, and we hope you have not only changed your relationship with your person, but have lightened your heart. Today, look back on all you learned, review your journal or notebook and be encouraged. 
Find something your person is especially concerned/worried/sad about and tell them you''ll pray for them-and then tell them that you did. ("Boss, I''m so sorry your mom hasn''t been getting better. I think you know I''m a person of faith, and I''ll be praying for her.") Or even, if appropriate-such as with a family member or friend-pray for your person right there.
Recall a memory of something kind that your person did for you in the past, and retell it to him/her today, with a particular focus on how it made or makes you feel (then or now). Extra bonus points if you have a picture or something tangible to pull out and look at together when you retell the story. "Honey, remember when you brought me that pillow you made in art class, that took you a whole month to embroider? That was so sweet of you. It made me feel really special."
We''re getting near the end of our 30 days! Do think back: what is the one thing your person has most positively responded to during this 30-Day Kindness Challenge? Pick that same type of thing and do it again.
Make or bring your person a coffee or other favorite beverage; your treat. If you work in an office with your subject, buy them their favorite coffee drink on your way back from lunch. If you live with your subject,make them that complicated smoothie they like so much. (And don''t get offended if they don''t want to drink it right then because they are full from lunch. They''ll remember and value your thoughtfulness.)
What can you say "thank you" for, today? Be on the lookout and tell your person immediately, as soon as you see it. ("Thanks for allowing me extra time to work through that presentation" "Wow, sweetheart, thanks for packing your lunch so I didn''t have to." "I saw how you spoke kindly, even though he was driving you crazy-thanks for always being careful about that.")
Does your person ever complain, and you think they are wrong? Today (or the next time this comes up), no matter how off-base you might think they are, provide no corrective dialogue and no sigh of exasperation but simply say something understanding such as, "I bet that did make you frustrated" or "I''m sorry you have had a rough start to your day."
Find one thing your person has done recently that you can be thankful for and send them an email, text or note of thanks. ("I saw that you put away the DVDs in the living room like I asked, thanks for doing that." "Thanks for stepping up for me in that meeting yesterday." "I noticed that you asked Mom to back off a bit, appreciate that." "You''re awesome for always bringing snacks to the kids'' volleyball games.")
How are you doing at finding something you can praise about your person each day-and telling them and at least one other person? In a challenging relationship it can be difficult to avoid focusing on the negatives, so look for and make a list of real and positive things you appreciate. Pick one as your affirmation for today (then you can refer back to the list on other days).
How did your person''s plans go yesterday? Whatever you encouraged them about, ask how it went, then further encourage them with "great job," "you are so good at that stuff," "I''m hoping that will turn out well in the end", or other praise wherever possible-or commiserations where appropriate.
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