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Yesterday the NBA and WNBA players' strike came on the four-year anniversary of the first time former NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick did not stand for the national anthem in protest. TherapyDen supports the athletes from the NBA, WNBA and all other sports who are striking and bringing awareness to injustice. 

Please watch these heartfelt and poignant videos from athletes and sports commentators.

My Sister Ruined Thanksgiving and How I'll take it Out on my Therapy Clients

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I love my sister. But also, I can't stand her. She gets under my skin faster than anyone else in my life. She's selfish, she's dramatic and she has to be right about everything. Very on brand for a firstborn older sister. Out of sibling fairness, I should note that Nicole would say the exact same things about me. She thinks I'm incredibly self-absorbed, bordering on true narcissism. While she is 100% incorrect, I can see how she'd get there. After all, we are separated by only three years, have completely different personalities and almost opposite relationships with our parents. I am the annoying little brother that disagrees with her just to be contrary and she is the over-the-top big sister that can never suck enough attention out of the room even though she will die trying at every opportunity she gets. 

So my sister (or me, to be honest) ruining Thanksgiving, or any other family gathering, isn't much of a surprise. Put us in a room together for longer than 10 minutes and we've already secretly plotted how to tear each other down and passive aggressively shame the other in front of the rest of the family. But this year was a little different. One, because the pandemic forced most of the family to celebrate the holiday separately. And two, because something my sister said, which started the swift descent of our family Zoom into chaos, got me thinking about how I'll react if my therapy clients plan to behave as selfishly as my sister. 

As an almost 40-year-old who has practiced therapy for over 15 years, I fall right between a generational divide in the mental health community. I am vastly over simplifying things here but for the sake of brevity (too late), there is an old guard generation that believes therapists should be blank slates and not self-disclose or impart their own values or beliefs on clients at almost all costs. That you should treat the client for what they have come in for and not try to influence them otherwise. On the flip side, there is a younger and more open generation of therapists that support being more transparent about their beliefs and values. They are open with clients about social and racial justice issues and challenge their clients if, for example, they are being sexist even though they came in to talk about social anxiety issues. Again, for me to simply cut the mental health community in half only by age is unfair. There are a ton of factors that include culture, geography, training, personal beliefs and more. 

One of the reasons I see this divide as a generational issue is because of my own relationship with my sister that I project on to the therapist community. I was born in 1980 and she was born in 1977. Depending on what generational math you use my sister is a baby Gen X'er and I'm an elder Millennial. Mostly likely we are both Xenials, a mix of Gen X and Millennial, but to identify as the same generation we'd have to acknowledge that we are similar in how we experience the world and that just can't happen. We'd never allow it. It's important we have as many differences as possible so that we don't accidentally agree on anything of substance. 

Anyway, I'm a therapist that is open about their values and challenges clients on their impact on society and the wider community in which they live. In fact, I made a whole therapist directory, TherapyDen, that holds those values and pushes therapists to be more transparent about their personal beliefs. And on Thanksgiving, when my sister asked the family who was going to get a COVID-19 vaccine, I couldn't stop myself from pouncing on her when she proudly stated she wouldn't get one. I'll tell you her reasons in a minute. But after reflecting on the back and forth I had with her, it got me thinking. How do I want to react to my clients if they too don't want to get the vaccine? And what's my role as a therapist and healthcare worker when it comes to getting the vaccine?

I heard from my dad, who by the way is an unreliable family reporter, but we'll take his word for it this time around, that Nicole was simply trying to start an open dialogue about the pros and cons of taking the vaccine. I call bullshit because when I asked her if she was going to take it she repeatedly said that she doesn't care about getting it and if anyone is worried about contracting the illness then they should be the one to get it. When I asked if she was okay with passing it to our mother, who is almost 70 and sees Nicole's family almost every day, she said, "If mom is worried about getting Covid then she should get the vaccine." Which sure, I get that reasoning. It's very simple. Nicole thinks she'll be fine as a 43-year-old healthy person, so why should she need to get it? All the people that are vulnerable or scared of getting Covid should take the vaccine. 

I was triggered and it was almost impossible to hide my surprise and disbelief. Even for a selfish older sister, I was thrown off when she said she wouldn't take the vaccine. And then something wonderful happened. Tegan, her 12-year-old Gen Z daughter who was born wired to march for social justice issues and piss off her mother, looks at Nicole, rolls her eyes, and says, "Are you really not going to take the vaccine?!" And while I have always admired Tegan and how easily she can upset her mother and drive her insane, it was in that moment that I appreciated how we are on the right side of everything together. We are on the right side of empathy for our community while also driving Nicole crazy at all costs. Tegan has been doing my dirty work ever since I moved away from home and landed in Portland. And it's only on the rarest of occasions that we can team up and really fight against the Man/Nicole. 

All the reasons to take the vaccine were flooding through me but I couldn't get my thoughts straight while all my family members were sounding off in their Zoom squares. To me, the reason to take the vaccine if you''re young and healthy is not to protect yourself. It's to stop the spread of the virus. It's basically the same principle as wearing a mask. Masks don't protect you, they stop you from spreading the disease. Why is Nicole, who is actually a very caring person, only focused on what benefits her? Doesn't she care about stopping the spread of Covid? Doesn't she know that people who are immune compromised, like her father and step-mother, may not be able to take the vaccine? She needs to take it for them. And for all the other people that won't or can't take it. We need to reach a certain threshold of vaccine takers so that we can finally start going out and feeling safe again. Nicole, and others who think like her, are conditioned to only consider how it impacts them personally, not the community at large. And not even how negative impacts on her community can negatively impact her own life.

Basically, why should Nicole go out of her way and get a vaccine and protect people that won't get the vaccine for themselves? Why is that her job? Oh I don't know, because Nicole should be a good person??? Nicole should want to protect people's health and livelihoods even if they aren't taking the step to do it for themselves. It feels like basic empathy to me. 

I'm being very opinionated here. I feel strongly. My reaction to Nicole is intense because she's my annoying big sister. But I'd also have a strong reaction, albeit perhaps less snotty, to my clients if they said they weren't planning on taking the vaccine. It got me thinking, are therapists the only healthcare workers in this country that wouldn't directly encourage their patients to get the vaccine? Are we so caught up in protecting the therapeutic relationship that we wouldn't dare challenge our clients to get a vaccine that could help end a pandemic? 

I'll come right out and say it: Therapists, please for the love of God, challenge your clients when they are making choices that put the health of our entire community in jeopardy. You don't have to be a turd about it like I was with my sister, but exploring why they don't want to get the vaccine and then compassionately going over the pros and cons is a good approach to protecting public health and your clients. Here's the thing though. Therapists don't have medical degrees and we are not supposed to give medical advice. That makes sense. I agree with that, to a point. But if we have a safe vaccine, which (fingers crossed) is imminent, why not urge our clients to protect their own health and that of their community? To me it feels similar to urging my clients to use protection when having sex. While I can't make that decision for them, I strongly urge my clients to use protection if it comes up in session. It's safe for them, their partners and the wider community. 

Back to my family Zoom disaster. Before I could rationally challenge my sister and calm myself down, Nicole asked everyone to be quiet. She felt attacked, understandably, and she wanted to respond to our outrage. So we all shut up. Her daughter looked up at her while we all waited in our squares. She was silent. And then, she got up and left. She fled, which, honestly, is par for the course in these situations. But to her credit, that's good self-care. Why sit there and be interrogated by a little brother that has it out for her. Why subject herself to her tween daughter that won't let her talk and only wants to prove her wrong. 

Of course, the fight spilled over into the family group text. And of course, I was the one that couldn't drop it. Letting go of the opportunity to embarrass Nicole in front of the family is deeply tied to the hundreds of times she did the exact same thing to me when we were kids. During family dinners, Nicole had the advantage-four years my senior, she possessed superior emotional and verbal intelligence. It was no contest. Our parents rarely intervened before Nicole had completely devastated me with her attacks. But now, as an adult and mental health professional, it's a fairer fight when it comes to arguing. And depending on who you ask, one of us has the clear advantage now (me). 

I sent an article to the family group text about why it's important for healthy people to take the vaccine. Nicole's husband responded with a couple articles about bleach being touted as a miracle drug and howsunlight could diminish the virus. Tegan got upset at her dad because he wasn't saying if he'd take the vaccine. It's a classic move by him though. He stays on the periphery of fights between me and his wife. He was trying to discredit my article I guess? Not sure what his motives are, but I imagine he's on the same page as Nicole when it comes to why he most likely won't take the vaccine either. 

Nicole eventually responded saying that I created a toxic environment in the Zoom chat. Which is amazing only because while that might be true, Nicole is actually the one creating a toxic environment by not taking the vaccine. She did, however, say that she planned to talk to a doctor about the vaccine and that's where she'll take her cues. Which makes sense. Why take any healthcare advice from her little brother that's still grinding an ax from family dinners 30 years ago. 

All this to say, I need to be extra careful about not taking out my sibling drama on clients that are on the fence about the vaccine. I also need to be careful about not taking out my anger on therapists that don't feel comfortable overstepping what they feel are professional boundaries that are there for very good reasons. 

And while I clearly am the person on the right side of this fight with my sister ;), I could have been received by her a lot better if I calmly and gently approached the subject without shaming and judging her. So while it counts as a win for embarrassing her in front of the family, it's obviously a loss for mending our relationship and being closer in the end. I'll try my best to do better the next time my sister puts my mother's life in jeopardy and doesn't care whether she lives or dies. Ugh! See?? I can't stop it!!

White Fragility and What It Means as a Counselor

Today''s blog is written by Colleen Paul Read it on TherapyDen

Meeting with a client for the first time as a counselor-in-training is an exhilarating and terrifying experience; yet, a more impactful "first" for me as a White counselor was broaching the topic of race with my first client of color. To this day, I still have not worked with a Black client, and I have been counseling for over a year now. What may be the reason behind this?

As counselors, we are instructed to follow the ACA (American Counseling Association) Code of Ethics (2014) which specifically notes in the preamble to "[honor] diversity and [embrace] a multicultural approach in support of the worth, dignity, potential, and uniqueness of people within their social and cultural contexts" (p.3). Even with this documented professional value and multicultural considerations throughout the Code, it is a well-known and sad fact that many White counselors show cultural bias when working with Black clients, thus the lack of this type of cross-cultural counseling.

This bias can appear in a number of ways: assuming that clients have the same view on what accounts as "normal" behavior; clients of all cultures will understand abstract words more frequently used in Western culture; and counselors are already aware of their cultural assumptions (Todisco & Salamone, 1991). Even though I had taken the necessary courses and truly viewed myself as a multiculturally competent counselor, in that moment where I first addressed the racial differences between my client and myself, I felt my heart rapidly beating.

What is it about this topic that is difficult for White people to address? Why am I able to freely discuss sexuality (even kinks), gender, and traumatizing experiences with my clients, but the second race becomes involved, I second guess myself? White academic Robin DiAngelo wrote a book entitled White Fragility, which looks into, not only the sensitivity, but also the disbelief white people display when they are told they are complicit in institutionalized racism (Iqnal, 2019). As this book review's title suggests (We have to stop thinking about racism as someone who says the N-word), it is not simply using racial slurs or macroaggressions against Black people that counts as racism; it is the lack of awareness to benefits White people receive on every economic and social measure in America, and so much more (Iqnal, 2019).

With my clients, I love to apply a quote that is written on the chalkboard at our site: "The first step to change is self-awareness; the second step is acceptance." In the case of my change and recognizing how I have been complicit in institutionalized racism, I first had to go through self-awareness. I was born in a suburb outside of Chicago, and I spent my childhood surrounded primarily by other White, middle-class, heteronormative people. I sang along with songs that had the "N" word in it with no regard. I chuckled at racist jokes. I was privileged in every sense of the word and rarely had any thoughts about it. It was not until I started my undergrad that I actually began interacting and making friends with members of the Black community. Experiences during college and post-graduation have given me a better understanding, not only of ways that I have contributed to racism, but also how I could continue to do so in the future.

In my Cultural Diversity class, we had a discussion about our separate cultures, and my immediate thought was, "Well, I don't have a culture." This is simply not true and also a demonstration of white universalism. To say this means that I believe my values, ideals, and practices are widely shared. Anything outside of that is uncommon, unusual, or worthy of the title "culture", since it does not match my own.

White people do indeed have a culture, and the harsh truth is that it is one to not boast on. Sure, one might think of baseball games, cowboys, and hamburgers when they think of America, but there is an uglier side to our heritage. This idea came up in one of my classes within the last week. As I was voicing my disgust at the negative response people had to the rioting, I said I wished they would see these actions as what it is: a trauma reaction. Natural trauma reactions are agitation, aggression, and acting out. I ended my spiel in a nervous sort of finality, declaring, "People need to see that being born Black in America is being born with trauma."

A Black classmate spoke up in response to my comment, and I have not stopped thinking about it since that day. She said that, yes, Black people are born with trauma in America. But White people are as well. Derek Chauvin felt justified in doing what he did to George Floyd. He knelt on his neck for eight minutes without showing any regret nor hesitation. He did so as Floyd gasped, "I can't breathe" and cried for his mother. My classmate simply said in regard to Chauvin, "That man is broken." We have a lineage of ancestors, family and community members that are okay with enslaving Black people, murdering them for no reason, and refusing to reflect on the psychological poisoning that has transcended over White generations in America. We are a broken race.

My classmate continued to explain that a privilege we do share as White people is that we are able to individualize ourselves within our culture. We have heard it just in the last two weeks: "Well, that cop is racist, but that doesn't mean that I am!" "I have plenty of Black friends, so I am definitely not racist." "Just because one White cop did that doesn't mean that all cops are capable of doing such a wicked thing!" Where is that same allowance for Black people? When one Black person breaks the law, they're all thugs. When one whistles at a White lady, they are all predators and rapists of White women. When one ends up in prison, they all ought to spend the rest of their days there.

The second step to change is self-acceptance. We have to recognize that this is what White culture looks like: deep-rooted fear that is supplanted with colonization, violence, stealing, and genocide (Wallace, 2018). Along with that privilege of individualization comes a desensitization to others' feelings and pain, which may have made it that much easier for Chauvin to watch the life leave Floyd's eyes; for Daniel Pantaleo to wrap his arms tighter around Eric Garner's neck; or for Ahmaud Arbery's killers to call him a "f***ing n***er" as he lay dead on the ground before them.

This is a painful realization to face, our culture of death and stolen traditions. It is never easy to admit always being complicit in racism in some way, but White people can no longer participate in this personalized self-delusion. It has been 400 years of us doing that, and it is our obligation to look at history, accept our damaging role in it, and fight against White culture for future generations' sake. There are great things about our culture, but we do not have time to highlight those things; we lost that privilege years and years ago. It is the time to educate oneself in every way: go through the painful process of self-awareness and -acceptance; read up on racial injustice; donate; defund the police; shut up and listen; but then also call out the bulls**t you see in yourself and loved ones. This last one is a hard one to do, but it is the least we owe as allies to the Black Lives Matter movement.

Big changes have already happened in the revolution, but do not slip into complacency. This is and will always be a part of our lives, and we need to remember that this movement is far more important than reaching a state of self-actualization or growing as a person; it is about saving Black people's lives.

I am a counselor, but I am also human. During these last two weeks, I have learned something new about myself and racism/oppression across history every day, and it is painful. However, it is my duty to take my "White girl tears" and do something productive with them: call officials across the country; pick up an informational book or article; and donate to supportive causes. When working with my clients of color, it is not their job to keep me informed of their background; it is my duty to understand where they are coming from and what external sources may have caused them discomfort. I will be aware of my own biases as I take on their cultural viewpoint; diligent in noting both verbal and nonverbal communications; and remain curious and open in hearing their values and traditions, never assuming that they hold the same as mine. I will, on no account, reach a peak in this movement, and I know I never will. Things are shifting every day, so my attitudes and actions must do the same.

Am I being over dramatic thinking there might be a coup? I really hope so. Biden seems comfortably ahead in all the polls so I''m going to take a deep breath and choose to believe the election will be a landslide win for the dems and there won''t be any funny business. But just in case, it might be smart to prepare for the worst. 

We''ll know it's a coup if the government: 

• Stops counting votes;
• Declares someone a winner who didn't get the most votes; or
• Allows someone to stay in power who didn't win the election.

Unpacking Cultural Competence for Therapists: Self-Assessment & Skill Development

In this workshop, Dr. Rahul Sharma takes a holistic approach to unpacking cultural competence for therapists. Learn more and register here.

Take This Survey and Let's All Find Out How We've Changed in the Last Six Months.

The last six months have had a huge impact on how we as therapists provide counseling to our clients. For many of us the pandemic has shifted our practice from in-person to telehealth. I want to know how you've all been coping with that. What has it done to your practice and do you think the changes will have lasting effects? We've also seen and experienced a racial justice movement that has polarized a lot of the country. I'd like to learn more about how it has impacted you as a therapist. Please click here to take this quick survey and I'll share the results with you next week.

TherapyDen had its best month ever!

The number one way TherapyDen grows is by word of mouth. So we are counting on you to encourage your colleagues to sign up and support an inclusive and progressive therapist directory for all. The more therapists create profiles in your city, the higher TherapyDen will rank in online searches and the more client referrals we''ll be able to generate for you. Here are a couple things we''d love for you to do. 

• Share TherapyDen with the private therapist groups that you''re a part of. Whether it''s a Facebook group, a Slack channel or a good old fashioned list serve, if you share your profile page or our benefits page and a little bit about why you signed up and how it''s free then more counselors will sign up. You'll also be doing your part in making sure diverse people are able to find a therapist that is truly a good match.
• Share TherapyDen on a social media platform. Facebook and Twitter work well. Feel free to make edits to the suggested copy:
  • Facebook: I just created a FREE profile on TherapyDen, an inclusive and progressive therapist directory. By creating a profile I''ll attract new clients and increase my web presence. TherapyDen fights racism, homophobia, transphobia and all other forms of hate. I''m excited to move the mental health industry forward. I think it''s important that we support companies who create platforms that cater to the diverse population that we serve. I hope you''ll join me and create a free profile. Learn more at https://www.therapyden.com/benefits
  • Twitter: I just created a FREE profile on TherapyDen, an inclusive therapist directory. TherapyDen fights racism, homophobia and all other forms of hate. I support companies who create platforms that cater to the diverse population we serve. Join me! Learn more at https://www.therapyden.com/benefits

Things I Wish I Could Say to My Clients but Never Would

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DISCLAIMER: While this article comes from a place of truth, it's also written with levity, so please read it with that in mind. It's funny, I promise! 

As a therapist, things pop into my head during sessions that I'd love to say to my clients. Things I might say to a friend or family member, for example. Things I might say to myself if I was struggling with something. There might not be anything obviously wrong with these statements, but if my own therapist said any of the following things to me during a session I'd be, at the very least, surprised, and at the very worst, offended and a little shocked. As therapists we need to be careful about how we come across. But we're still human underneath our therapist hats, and sometimes I want to act like one by blurting out one of these statements. You feel me?

Here are five things I wish I could say to a client, but never would. 

"Everything happens for a reason."

Oh God, if a therapist ever said this to me I might lose my mind right then and there. What a dismissive and unhelpful thing to say to a client, am I right? It's such a great way to brush something off and avoid the pain and confusion. It's incredibly invalidating. But also.I am a 100% believer in everything happening for a reason. I use it on myself dozens of times a day. It soothes me and grounds me. I'm able to navigate through things that make me feel angry or disappointed by really believing that there is a reason for everything, a good and important reason, even if I can't figure out what it is. But ugh! It sounds like such privileged bullcrap that only works for people who aren't in severe pain-- which it probably is. The struggle to not say this to a client is real and I hope it never slips out of my mouth. 

"It is what it is."

Okay, so this one is similar to the last one in that it's super dismissive and does nothing for the client. I laugh in horror every time I think of a therapist saying this to a client. Oh man, I'd love to see the look of shock on a client's face if a therapist was like, "Yeah, whatever, it is what it is". But you know, sometimes, as a counselor, when a client just can't let something go and I've tried everything in the book to help them understand their issue and start moving forward, I just want to be like, "It is what it is" because at that point, what else can I do? I'm literally out of things to say and we've spent months going in circles on this one thing. Let's move past it, please. 

"This is exactly what you should do."

We all know that we can't, and should not, ever give advice to clients. That's not why they come to therapy, and that's not how they grow. Worst of all, what if they take the advice and it was the wrong thing to do? They'd be pissed, and understandably so. Who am I to know what to do in every situation, right? But still. sometimes I have such an urge to be like, "Okay, this is exactly what you should do!!!" And it's always coming from a place of love and care! It's like, I know your mom would be totally open to hearing about your pain! Or I know your partner would love to hear about how worried you are about them! I want you to move toward healing and connection, and I so badly want to tell you what to do! This one bothers me so much sometimes that I routinely consider quitting therapy and becoming a straight shooting life coach. 

"Your parents are the absolute worst"

Okay this one is a little extra, I know. DON'T JUDGE ME. But sometimes I just get so upset with my client's parents who have been so incredibly hurtful, neglectful and abusive that it makes me just want to quietly and calmly say, "Your parents are the absolute worst." I know it sounds aggressive, but you've gotta imagine me saying this in the sweetest and most gentle way possible. Like, "Aww, sweetie, your parents did a number on you and are still being abusive while gaslighting and manipulating you and you know what, your parents are the absolute worst. Seriously, they are the worst parents I have ever heard of." No? Does it not come off as supportive? To me it really does. You probably just have to be there. Anyway, I promise I will never say this even though it pops into my head sometimes. 

"Maybe you should just stop doing that."

What therapist doesn't think this? And what therapist doesn't try their best to say this in the most compassionate and indirect way possible? Wouldn't it be nice to be direct one of these days? How satisfying would it be to look at your client with a straight face and be like, "Have you ever thought about just stopping that incredibly problematic and unhealthy behavior?" I mean sure, they're probably coming to see you so that you can help them figure out how to stop doing whatever destructive stuff they're doing, and telling them to stop doesn't cause them to stop 9 out of 10 times. But also, it's like, maybe just stop doing that terrible thing you're doing and your life would improve immensely, am I right?? 

All that to say. 

In the end, I don't imagine saying any of these things to my clients. It probably works out best that I stay within the bounds of what therapists should and should not say. But as a friend of mine, I'll spew all of these very unhelpful statements at you eventually, and with love-- only because I'm not able to at work. You're welcome. :)

Things you can do right now to support protesters

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Donate to Black Lives Matter: Find the main donation page here. You can also get involved with your local BLM chapter. Find the list here. Can't find one near you? Start your own here.

Donate to a bail fund: Many people are crowdsourcing lists of local organizations that help bail out protesters who get arrested. Check it out on twitter here or view the Google Doc here.

Support the National Police Accountability Project: This group, a project of the National Lawyers Guild, helps people find legal counsel. More info here.

Support Campaign Zero, a police reform group that has been working on policy solutions "informed by data and human rights principles." More info here.

Sign a petition: Civil rights group Color of Change launched a petition asking that all the officers involved in Floyd's death are brought to justice. Find it here.

Another petition: The "Justice for George Floyd" petition on Change.org already has 8.5 million supporters. Help send a big message. Find it here.

The New York State legislature must repeal Civil Rights Law 50-a, which has been used to shield law enforcement from accountability by preventing transparency regarding acts of misconduct by police officers. Sign the petition here.

Breonna Taylor survived the frontlines of a pandemic that disproportionately kills Black people, only to have her life stolen by police on March 13. Fight for Breonna and take action here.

On May 27, Tony McDade, a black LGBTQ person, was shot and killed by a Tallahassee Police Department (TPD) officer. Help Tony's family here.

When Julius Jones was 19-years-old, he was convicted of a murder he says he did not commit. Help save his life here.

Resources for white people to deepen your anti-racism work. Check it out here.

An easy tool for anonymizing photographs taken at protests. Use the tool here.

Obama has created a page with many other important links and information. Check it out here.

When you're done: educate yourself. This doesn't go away once the topic isn't, trending. Learn about next steps here.

Check out these online workshops and trainings from our friends at Chicago Minds. 

Exploring Your Identity: Diversity & Inclusion Practices to be a Better Ally

This interactive workshop helps participants understand their own experience, beliefs, biases, and challenges with identity through guided small group discussions, reflective exercises, and defining relevant concepts. Learn more and register here.

Break the Silence: Challenges with Latinx/Hispanic Mental Health Representation in America

The Latinx/Hispanic community represents a rich mix of diverse and complex histories, which is important to understand in the context of providing mental health care. In this session, we invite four panelists with extensive experience working with Latinx and Hispanic populations of various backgrounds and identities. Through their unique personal and professional journeys, they share their reflections and thoughts on the challenges faced by Latinx/ Hispanic populations in seeking and providing mental health care. Learn more and register here.

A Move Towards Cultural Humility

White supremacy affects every system in our society and work. In the mental health field, traditional methods of working with clients can propagate further oppression and marginalization for individuals and groups. An anti-oppressive and anti-racist shift in the clinical relationship requires introspection and a willingness to challenge our implicit biases. This session will explore how a framework of cultural humility can help mental health professionals provide competent clinical care. Learn more and register here.

Hey Therapists! What the Hell Are You Doing off Screen?

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Now that we're talking with most of our clients via Zoom or some other video platform, there are new modern issues that can affect sessions. And over these past few months of our "new normal", I've heard way too many stories of therapists managing what happens off screen in the worst ways possible. So please, let me give you some tips. 

But first, allow me to rant a bit. 

Talking to clients online sucks. We miss out on so many things that are happening in the room. We can't pick up on all their body language, we can't feel what their energy is like, the audio and video goes in and out, and sessions seem to draaaaaaaag onnnnnn foreverrrrrrr. Why does time slow down so much in a virtual session? Why am I completely exhausted after a day of seeing clients instead of feeling energized like I used to when I saw them in person? I cannot wait to go back into my office. Surprisingly, and annoyingly, some of my clients prefer online counseling. Unfortunately for them there is no way I'll be offering this when we can see people in person again. Sorry! 

To make matters worse, since the client can only see me from the shoulders up, they too are missing out on what's happening off screen, and it turns out they can be really bothered or put off by what they suspect might be happening off camera. I mean, they're supposed to be the star of the show, so if they think I'm being distracted, they could be let down or upset. And since I'm obsessed with talking to people about their counseling experiences I've heard some pretty funny and slightly alarming things that clients go through when they think something is amiss off screen. 

Here are five tips to make sure you don't have an offscreen therapy disaster.

Tell them at the start if you're fidgeting with something

This first one is something a client of mine eventually brought up after months of talking to me online, and it wasn't something I ever thought about acknowledging. When I see clients in person, I always have a pen in my hand. I like to hold it. It's a security blanket of sorts. I don't know why I need it but I neeeeeeeed it. I'm not the same therapist without it. 

But since moving online I have abandoned the pen and opted for a fidget spinner, which is a little plastic toy that I can twirl around in my hand that rests offscreen. I've been twirling my fidget spinner so much lately that it's starting to fall apart. Sometimes the parts all come loose and fall into my lap while talking to a client, and then I sorta mindlessly and carefully put the spinner back together while keeping digital eye contact with the client. I thought I was being slick. Apparently I was not. While diligently and stealthily putting the fidget spinner back together during a session my client abruptly asked, "What are you playing with?!" Surprised, I held up my fidget spinner that had fallen into pieces so they could see what was distracting me. They went on to explain how they were annoyed every time this happened because they didn't feel important anymore. Clients, am I right!? It's always about them!

But seriously, it should always be about them and I shouldn't be playing with a broken toy in the first place. Or, at the very least, I should tell them what I'm fidgeting with and communicate that I'm only doing it because it helps me concentrate on them. 

Show them the notepad you use when taking notes

Did you know that writing notes during a session can make clients feel really good about all the attention and thought you're giving them in session? I'm sure you did. Conversely, did you also know that writing notes off screen doesn't always come across as writing notes? Oftentimes, it can look like you're playing with your phone or filling out a Sudoku puzzle. If you have a client who has a fear of not feeling important, then they'll gladly project all their insecurities onto your diligent offscreen note taking abilities. So, before you jot down some important details about your session, hold up your notepad and let them know you'll be using it to write down things that come up in the session. 

If something weird happens, acknowledge it

Since many of us are providing therapy from inside our homes, there are all sorts of things that can happen mid-sesh. Especially if you have kids. Kids can be loud, obnoxious, or just annoyingly bothersome when you're trying to be a therapist in the other room. If a kid or a pet or a partner causes a ruckus in the background, acknowledge what's going on! If you ignore the interruption your client could become really suspicious. 

It's also odd and not very human-like for something weird to happen and for us not to acknowledge it. Why are we so weird about this?! Who told us we needed to be robots when something unexpected happens? Therapists are so strange! So do everyone a favor and stop the session for just a moment to explain when something goes awry. Don't let the client silently spin their wheels about the strange happenings off camera.

Give them a tour of your home office

Instead of just plopping yourself down in front of the computer and only allowing your client to see what's directly behind you, pick up the computer and show them around a bit! Show them where the door is and emphasize how it's closed. For all they know it's wide open and everyone in your kitchen can hear what they say. Show them the windows in your office and emphasize how any old stranger, or housemate, can't just walk by and peek through to see who you're talking about. Ask them if they have any questions about the space you're in so that they can feel safe divulging all the personal info they give you. Maybe even let them know if there is anyone in your house and whether or not they can hear what you're talking about.

Never play with your phone or respond to a message during a session

Never ever think you're slick enough to answer a text message or email while talking to a client. You're not slick enough, I promise you. Even if you look at another window on your computer, the client will notice. If you start reading an email and your client sees your eyes darting back and forth while you read the message, they'll notice. Our clients are crazy perceptive! And they'll feel sad and disillusioned if you decide to divert your attention from them. You'd never do this in person. Why would you do this online? Well, maybe because you forgot to turn off your notifications and something pops up on your screen. If that happens, acknowledge it and let them know you'll be turning off your notifications. If it's urgent, let them know that you need to pause for a moment. They'll probably understand.

So now you know

Okay therapists, now you know how to be more human while talking to clients online. Let's all do our best to not be such weirdos and we'll hopefully get through this bonkers time in history with our caseloads intact. 

Two Questions Therapists Ask Me Most Often About TherapyDen

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These are the two questions I'm most frequently asked these days. Oh! And also, why are you so handsome? I just am! Nothing I can do about that ;)

But in all seriousness, "Why are you alienating 50% of your customers?" and "Why is TherapyDen free?" are common questions that I want to address. So here goes. 

Why is TherapyDen free?

Well, first I'm asked, is TherapyDen really free? Yes, it's free. We don't collect your credit card and you can activate your profile with a simple click of a button. It's free. If we ever decided to change that, we'd have to ask you to enter your billing info, so no surprises here. 

We do, however, bring in a tiny bit of revenue by asking therapists who sign up, or who receive a new client referral, to make a small donation, so we can keep the lights on around here. (Side note: We don't have any actual lights that need to be kept on. We enjoy working in the dark. These donations allow us to make sure this website is kept up and running. It's not free to host a large website on the Internet! I wish it was.)

So, if you just so happen to want to make a little donation, we'd love it if you did by going here. No pressure, though. At the very least, we'd love for you to create a free profile. 

The 3 people who run TherapyDen all have day jobs, so we don't rely on this income. Maybe keep that in mind the next time you have an urgent request about your photo not uploading correctly. I might be with a client. ;) I have to keep the actual lights on somehow... 

But despite the lack of income, our tiny team has put thousands and thousands of hours of work into TherapyDen. Why? Because we believe in the mission of creating a progressive and all-inclusive therapist directory. Of course, one day we hope to get paid. I think we'll get paid. I'm putting positive vibes out into the Universe that we'll get paid, so I feel pretty good about it. My two partners don't quite believe in, or know how strong, my positive vibes can be, but they'll see. Yep, they'll see.

We're treating TherapyDen like a startup. We're focused on building our therapist user base and moving up the Google ranks to compete with Psychology Today. And we are doing it! TherapyDen is working and I guarantee Psychology Today is shaking in their boots! Actually, I have it on good authority that Psychology Today is in fact not sending positive vibes into the universe, but they're actually sending very negative vibes out. So think about that if you decide to create a profile with Psych Today. Do you really want their negative energy mixed up in your practice? I think the answer is obvious. 

We figure that with enough therapist sign ups and client referrals that get doled out to therapists, we'll soon be a tour de force to be reckoned with. Actually, with the trajectory we're on recently, that may happen even sooner than we predicted. Once that happens, we'll figure out how to make money from this project while continuing to make it easy for therapists to sign up and get a ton of value from our platform. 

Why is TherapyDen alienating 50% of therapists in the country?

Okay, so to understand what this question actually means, you need a bit of context. TherapyDen is clear about our mission to fight racism, homophobia, transphobia and all other forms of discrimination. For example, on our homepage you can see clearly that we stand with the Black Lives Matter movement. When a therapist creates a profile they are asked questions like, do you promise to have an all-inclusive practice, do you have gender neutral bathrooms, do you practice from a racial justice framework, can you competently treat transgender clients, and so on. This helps clients filter for therapists that meet their needs. This blatant support for social justice doesn't resonate with all therapists across the country. 

I get angry and upset emails all the time from therapists who don't agree with our mission and wish that we were more neutral or just totally silent about it like Psychology Today has chosen to be. Just last week I sent an email to the 15,000 therapists who are subscribed to our newsletter about the brave and inspiring stance that athletes have recently taken against police violence in America. That didn't sit well with some therapists on my list. And one of them, like many of them before, asked me why TherapyDen would take a stance like this when we know that therapists like her, who don't agree with what the athletes are doing, will likely deactivate their TherapyDen profile or not sign up at all. She wants to know why we would alienate 50% of therapists who have views like hers.

I'll tell you. But first, if you catch me in the right mood when you ask me this question, which she did, I'll go back and forth with you all damn day. Is that a good idea? No. Should I probably just ignore these emails? Absolutely. Am I easy to bait? 100% yes, I will forever be. So if you wanna get into an email fight about why I support racial justice, great! But be prepared to majorly engage with me about it for waaaay too long. 

So yeah, if you don't support the revolution that's taking place in the United States right now, we're fine if you don't want to sign up with TherapyDen. If that's your opinion, it's perfectly okay if you don't create a profile. That can be surprising to hear, I know. But it makes me feel better knowing that a person of color who's looking for a therapist won't run into a therapist like you on TherapyDen. Sorry. That's just how I feel. 

And while I don't have any data to back this up, I honestly believe there's no way in hell that 50% of therapists don't support racial justice and the Black Lives Matter movement. No way! Therapists are some of the most caring, compassionate and empathetic people on this planet. I know I live in the liberal bubble of Portland, Oregon, but I'd wager that at least 85% of therapists across the country are on board with TherapyDen's mission and values. Yes, this is partly based on what my heart feels but it's also based on talking to thousands of therapists across the country who have poured their heart out to me about how much they love TherapyDen. So there's that. Only positive vibes here. 

So, if you want to help move the mental health industry forward, support us by creating a free profile with TherapyDen. You'll get clients that are better matches and a ton of karma points. I promise. :)

How to Live Happily in a Depressing, Soul-Crushing, Constantly-on-Fire World

With all the unbelievably horrible things going on in the world these days, how can you live a happy life? The honest answer may be that you simply cannot. Not being happy, and instead being filled with despair and helplessness, is a completely normal reaction to the state of our world. Read more...

The Feeling You Have. . .It is Grief

I am comfortable discussing a wide variety of life stressors. To be honest, right up until a global pandemic sent us all home, I felt I had more than a reasonable handle on exploring grief with clients and family and friends. What I have since come to realize is this particular flavor of grief is more nuanced than any other form. Read more...

6 Self-Care Strategies for the Road Ahead

Back in March the pandemic hit us like a tsunami wave. Within a few weeks our entire world as we knew it abruptly shut down. Work and schools were closed as we all sheltered in place. Our world was filled with chaos as we tried to listen to the doctors, scientists, and government officials who knew very little about this new beast. Read more...

The last email you just got from me was supposed to be sent to a group of therapists that have multiple listings in different states on TherapyDen. It was accidentally sent to everyone that is subscribed to the TherapyDen newsletter. 

Please disregard the email. Sorry!

(Unless of course you''re a therapist that has listed their online services in multiple states and needs to upgrade their profile to Premium so that they can come up in search results for all those states. You should login and upgrade your profile so that you''re at the top of those search results.)

Carry on,
Jeff